We Need to Talk About Zumba

Have you heard of the latest exercise dance "craze" Zumba?  It has invaded ladies' workout schedules with a swift Latin flare.  Now, those that know me know I am fairly hopeless when it comes to most sports, but I am a fairly decent dancer.  Thus, the "Zumba Craze" has drawn me in and I do, I suppose, "join the party", as they say (I don't know why they say that... but that is the Zumba slogan).  However, I'd like to share with you my Zumba experiences and you can judge for yourself if it is indeed a "party".

1. Zumba-ing in Penlan, Wales:  Picture it - a school hall decorated with children's artwork and posters in Welsh on the walls.  Chairs are shoved against the periphery of the room and crumbs and wrappers from the children's lunch litter the parquet floor.  There is a stage with a broken, three-legged table in one corner and a tiny woman leading us in our cardio-dance workout with a skipping CD and barefeet.  A firedoor is propped open at one end of the room, offering a glimpse of a schoolyard with grass growing through cracked pavement, a chainlink fence, and beyond that some grazing ponies belonging to gypsies below grey council flats rising behind.  The room is filled with about 75 women, most of whom appear to have three left feet, or have lost the will to live, as they cannot bear to lift their arms with enough force to produce even a bead of sweat.  They wear oversized t-shirts and take frequent water breaks and look suspiciously at those of us in the front row by the speakers as we Zumba until we're red in the face.  Oh, and it's probably raining outside.

2.  Zumba-ing in Toronto, Ontario:  The scene - a dance studio on the 3rd floor of an old brick building with tall windows that look out on a city street.  It smells of sweat and incense, due to the new age shop on the floor below that mostly sells pipes and bongs, which is next to a used book store.  Below that, on the ground floor, there is a vintage clothing shop that sells things like fur stoles with the minks' heads and feet on them, Montreal Expos baseball hats, and high waisted, pleated pants for the discerning hipster.  These items are displayed together on a mannequin in the window as a suggestion for a super-cool, super-unflattering outfit.  In the studio, several women - some excellent dancers, some people who think they are excellent dancers - Zumba themselves into a frenzy of sweat dripping on the floor.  The teacher wears a fascinating assortment of neon dancewear and her hair is loose and soaked from root to tip with sweat.  She swings it as as she shouts out encouraging 'woos!".  The dancers look like they'd like to lie down, or maybe engage in some sexy latin partner dancing (most are wearing sexy spandex yoga wear), but they are ultimately smug with their sweat.

3.  Zumba-ing in the Southern Ontario suburbs:  The setting - a gym in a strip-mall plaza.  Nearly every car in the parking lot is some sort of S.U.V. and the people in the gym fall into the following categories - ginos/ginas, retired folks getting fit, and teenagers trying to bulk up/get sexy.  Most of the men have the sleeves cut off of their t-shirts in order to better observe their growing biceps, and most of the women are wearing HUGE diamond rings and earrings with their workout gear.  There are steam rooms and there is a cappucino/water bar.  Inside the workout studio is a gaggle of older ladies (plus one older man) and a couple of younger women.  One older lady says to the teacher, "I never break a sweat in your class, but I do in all the other ones."  The teacher replies, "May I suggest you lift your feet more?  And also, jump?"  The woman frowns.  Another woman says, "I don't jump!  It makes me pee!"  She is very smug about this fact and when the class commences, she indeed does not jump (thankfully).

I should also note that in all of these classes, I am wearing a t-shirt that I got for free at a club once that has the neck cut out and is emblazoned with, "Team Sambuca - I love Mondays", that invariably makes people frown at me.  The music is also incredibly loud and causes ringing in the ears if you're too close to the speakers.  Now, I don't want to be down on Zumba, per se - obviously, I enjoy it, or I wouldn't keep going to these classes.  I just want to know though if it really is a "party" as they so emphatically suggest.  I heard a radio show yesterday about how words are being misappropriated these days, usually for hyperbolic purposes - as in, not everything is "literally amazing" and people are not going to "die in a raging fire" if they can't wear the newest weird shoe trend.  So, all I'm saying is, Zumba is many things - a form of exercise, a social experiment even - but it is not a party, okay?  It's just not.  But do tell me if you disagree.